A
simple question to be asked to ourselves when we are making decision in daily
life! But, it sound like very hard to be answered, aren’t it? Why I say so?
Just
take my case, recently, I am confusing either I should attend the interview
organized by KPM (Kementerian Pelajaran Malaysia)or not. If I chose to attend the interview, I might have 50% of chance to get
the scholarship, or if it is not my luck, I can take nothing, besides
experience of being interview.
What
made me so confusing? There are several reasons:
(i) I am now in my hometown, I need to prepare
myself (buy ticket, attires- formal suit
with tie and shoes, but I have no both of them, certify my certificate) for
going back Penang just for trying my luck (It sound like a bit troublesome).
(ii) I wish to further my study in master, if allowed
physically (my result, my economic
condition, etc) and mentally (my
persistence to further my study). But, due to some “sources” said that,
those who take the scholarship, will be tied to KPM, and can only continue
study after a few years of service to government. Than, come to the core
question- am I really want to be an educator (teacher)? If I do not want to be
an educator, why I want to take the scholarship and tie myself to KPM?
(iii) Am I a brat who will waste the chance of other
students (they might really need it
compared to me) to get this bursary (scholarship)? Let say I past the
interview and awarded the bursary, than I reject it due to some reasons, didn’t
I have wasted other chance to get this scholarship? (If the scholarship only awarded to a limited number of students).
It seems likes I am giving evasions to calm
myself as finally, I did not attend the interview. (What are the reasons that made me did not attend the interview? Will
be told later on, be patient, dude!) But, there are still some confusing
sentiments:
(iv) “It is a good chance; you should not loss this
chance!” “You will never get back this good chance” All these words were said
to me by my friends. I agree with their points of view. I start review my
decision. Should I just give it up that easy?
(v) By having this scholarship, I have liberation.
Liberated from using my parents money. I know, the money I use now was hard
earned by my parents. I too very jealous on my friends, who are having
long-vision and mature. They try their very best not to use any single cent
from their parents. Why I can’t do so? Am I too cosseted by my parents? “You
always use your parents’ money, very lucky you are!” So why don’t I take the
scholarship?
Oh, my goodness, so many questions to be
answered before I attend an interview. But, shouldn’t I answer the formulated
question, a very basic question – WHAT I
WANT? Before I make decision? If I
answered this simple question, I think, I will have no chance to face all the
questions stated above.
But, this question never come across to my mind
when I was making decision. It only appears at the very last minute, when I
knew that there is no more ticket for me to go back Butterworth. The fate had decided
it all; I have no more chance to go USM for interview. I have no more chance
for getting scholarship.
I
have nobody to blame for and I do not need to do so. Since I was the only person
who made decision on this issue. There is no one to make decision for me. It is just same like our life, when we come
to the point for making decision, just trust ourselves, our decision is the
best. Once decided, no regret.
“Your
XXX had given you suggestions. But, you are the one to make decision, deal or
not deal” A popular quotation by the host of a reality show that had attracted
my interest recently – Deal or Not Deal?
It
is true, every times when you come across to a decision making, ask yourself
this simple question, WHAT I WANT? Maybe,
there are many other distractors to be answers, like will I made a mistake by
decide so easily (by just answering the simple question – What I want?)? Will I
regret after all?
But, is true, if you really don’t know what to
choose, what to decide, the formulated question is the definitely correct
question to be answer. So that you can do what you really want due to yourself
but not other! At the end, remember that, ONCE DECIDED, NO REGRET!
(p/s: But, not all decisions, especially the bad
one should be made just according to our want. Example: Mr. X want to kill his
friend as he betrayed him. Since Mr. X “WANT” to punish his friend, then Mr. X
decided to kill him. Sure, this is not logic and definitely unacceptable!)
By the way, it is good to ask ourselves “What I
really want in my life?” Most people will tend to materialistic needs, the 6Cs
– Certificate, Career, Cash (money), Credit card (the symbol of being rich, but nowadays it is not a good sign for
having cards, as there are a lot of debts that never paid by these cards’
holder) , Car, Condominium.
Are all of these 6Cs are really needed to
satisfy our selfish and greedy desire? America,
one of the most “ideal” countries is now in, Iraq taking their natural source –
Petroleum. They (Americans) “need” it for their own reasons. There are many
lives were sacrificed from the day they set their foots on the land of Iraqis. Their “need” killed all those
lives!
Don’t you think that basic needs are already
enough for us? (Clothes, Food, Home) Nowadays, we always “leaded” by our
desire. We desire to have nicer life – big bungalow, big car, the branded
clothes, shoes, outfits, etc) With this reason, we work so hard – if allowed,
we want to work 24hours a day – so that we can afford the “nicer life”, we
willing to leave our children behind, until they only communicate with the
Indonesian maid, named Kakak, as they have no chance to talk to us. (We are too
“dedicated” to our work, go out in the early of the morning to avoid traffic
jam, and come back at the late of night, where our children slept)
Sorry for going too far, and out of my original
topic.
Many people found themselves hard to make decision,
why does this happen?
In the examination system of some countries, the
examinees will be deducted marks if they wrong answer the question in the exam.
It is good enough for the examiner to know the level of each examinee, since
they will not dare to try their luck in answering questions (on the questions
that they do not know the answer). This is a good education system, as the
future developers – youth, are the kind of people who are really honest
confident with themselves. They will tell you that, “sorry, I do not know about
the answer, but I will find it out”.
But, our case in Malaysiathe students were
“educated” so that they answer all the questions tested in exam. “At least you
try (tikam- simply choose the answer
from the multiple choices questions)” “You might get the correct answer, do not
waste the chance”. The students have to pretend they know it all, even they do
not know how to answer it. They forced to do so.
But, what will happen if the student answered
wrongly? “Aiyo, so stupid la you, got chance to tikam also wrong!” The student might confuse with the thinking
of adult. They might ask, “What adult want, actually?” “They suggested us to tikam, but once we wrongly answered, we
will be blamed and scolded.”
At the end of day, the do not make decision (or
they do not know how / what to choose). As they know that, their parents know the
best, and they will decide for them. So, are you one of them (kids)? And, will
you be one of the parents that want the children pretend they know everything,
but scold them when they do mistake?
Ask yourself this simple question- What I Want?
Chong Lee
1.46 a.m., 30th April 2007.
(pictures were obtained from Yahoo!’s image search with the key words: directions, compass, and sitting exam)
Crimes
It is really hard for me to calm myself down
when I was exposed to news that were about crimes which happened around our
society nowadays.
The latest issues that had highlighted by media
and raise my interest was -
The Korean student who made the black history by
killing 32 lives in US.
Is our society sick?
I think there is no other suitable answer,
besides yes.
We are having several of stresses which are come
from our family and work. Until the recent survey conducted by Durex, revealed
that a lot of couples especially in Japan,Singapore,China,and Hong Kong
make no sex as they have no “appetite” to do so. What make this happened? It
may cost no harm if we say that the couples loss their sexual desires due to
their stresses that had never decrease from the day they start their journey,
named life. On the other hand, I too would like to highlight that Chinese
always having stresses as they having high tendency to commit suicide. It is
just the case in ,
where Chinese are on the first ranking of commit suicide compared to other
races in Malaysia. .
Maybe, the best way to overcome the problems
will be having knowledge of managing tension in life. We have to understand the
question before we answer the question. It is the same, where we have to know
well the source of stress before we would like to overcome it! Normally, the
source of stress is created by ourselves, where we always ask ourselves to do
the best and be the best in whatever we are doing. It is good in the sense of
doing our best, but it might come to problem when we are comparing ourselves
with other.
In the case of Cho Seung-Hui, who decided to
kill his colleagues in Virginia Tech University and blamed other to cause all this happened. From the video he sent to NBC News,
we know that he was strongly dislike (hate) those who are having high profile
cars (Mercedes) and houses (rich). “You’ve had everything you wanted. Your
Mercedes wasn’t enough, you brat. Your golden necklaces weren’t enough, you
snobs. Your trust fund wasn’t enough. Your vodka and cognac weren’t enough” “…all
your debaucheries weren’t enough to fulfill your hedonistic needs…” So, I may say that, this 23 years old boy was
not satisfied with other, since he was comparing himself with others who are
rich (having “better” condition compared to him). It makes no point for us to
compare ourselves with others. But, the correct targets of comparison are we, ourselves!
“Are we having improvement?” This should be the question to be asked to
ourselves, but not “Why he/she was so good?”
In a psychometrical test, a group of pursuers
(investigators) tested a group of people about their sensitivity toward social
issues. After the test, the pursuers told the people that the result was
extremely bad. The interesting observation was, once the pursuers revealed the
result to this group of people, they only pay attention to those (look for
those) that are worst than them and just simply ignore who was better than them.
What we can interpret from this situation is, men are very “clever” in making
decision, where the only choose what they wish to know, to hear/look. By this
way they may prove that what they done were correct. The people who look for
those who are worst than them, may be interpreted as they want to find the
point to impress themselves that they are good and should not be categorized as
people who are not sensitive toward social issues. On the other hand, the group
of people were comparing among themselves. To “make themselves happy”, they
will try to look for others who were done worst than them.
So, what will happened if he/she was the in the
last ranking or with lowest marks (the worst)? Who will he/she look for? There
are no people that done worst than them! The consequences will be, he/she
become unhappy. Just like the case of Cho, he might be the poorest among his
friends. He might be discriminated by his friends. Cho, who was not forbearing
(endurance) with this, may start planning for revenge, a bloody rampage.
I too very disappointed when I get know students
in university who are too “kiasu” until they not willing to share their
knowledge with others. They afraid that, others will do better if they help
them to know more. It is an unhealthy culture, as we need to tell ourselves
that, there is no ranking of result in university! Why we afraid other do
better than us? Is this a norm of human? Or all these happened due to our poor
education system that creates the situation for us to compare with each other?
Frankly, I too compare myself with other, but, I always remind myself, I should
not let this meaningless thinking control and affect me!
Due
to Kathirasen, one of the famous New Straight Times (NST) columnists, he
sounded out a point in his view titled “Most
of the Shadows of Life are caused by Standing in Our Own Sunshine”, has
attracted my attention. In his view point, he voiced that blaming other was one
of the causes that brought Cho to kill the students and professors in VT
University. “Everyone of us, from the rich to poor, blames someone or some
situation, for some, if not all, of our problems and predicaments. We love to
wrap our arms around this comforting victim complex.” “The blame-game is the
greatest mechanism man has invented to hide his deficiency and inadequacies; to
shirk his responsibility for himself and his environment.” (The quotation by Waldo Emerson: Most of the
Shadows of Life are caused by Standing in Our Own Sunshine, impress me a lot.
From this quotation, I understand that, a lot of problems are created by
ourselves but not other, so it is no use to blame other)
What
made Kathirasen to come out with this point? He was not simply sound out his
view point without any other proof. From the video clip that sent by Cho to NBC
News, he said “You forced me into a corner and left me only one option. The
decision was yours. Now you have blood on your hands that you’ll never wash
off.” He also said: “You have vanished my heart, raped my soul and tortured my
conscience.” From this two sentences, we know that Cho was blaming other to
cause all this happened.
Who are the “you” means by Cho? This will be
reasonable question to be asked by you and me. In my view point, his parents,
his siblings, his relatives, his friends, his neighbors, his lecturers, his…
may be the “you”. In other words, everyone of us may be the contributors to his
brutal killing. Will you admit it? (Let’s think about this, but please don’t
too upset with the outcome)
Mass media is playing an important role in
society. Media of American, claimed that the Korean boy apery (copied) the ways
of one main character in “Oldboy”, a famous movie in Korea in three years ago. The boy
applied hammer to kill the victims, the guise was just similar to the scene in
the movie. On the other hand, experts afraid that the bloody case that was
being continually highlighted by media might attract more teenagers, who are
weak in soul and not satisfy with their living condition to follow what was
done by Cho.
I
have to claim that I did not point the problems to media, I had just pointed
out one of the causes that all of us should look into it. If we agreed with
this point, we should do something, to make sure the same mistake will not be
repeated. Just like make sure our kids are mature enough to watch the
ferocious, merciless and inhumane scene before we let them to expose themselves
to such scene in TV, movies, books, magazines, etc.
Kids’ minds are easily form by his/her
surrounding (environment), his/her parents especially. They are just like a
white paper, easily colored by others. You may put up any color you like on it.
Just like a kid, if you want him/her to be polite, you have to show him/her to
ways of behaving mannerly. Otherwise, they will just follow what they saw and
heard from you. In my case, for example, I was a super naughty kid, where I
will rail bad words (say out bad words) to whomever that had “offended” me. I
suggest that, this was caused by my environment, like my father, grandma and my
neighbors who always with such words once they are angry. (Am I blaming other
now?) But, I’ve to admit that, when I grow older, I know it not good to behave
like the way, and I will not come out with such words. So, I may conclude that
environment is one of the contributors to our bad behaviors. Parents have to
take note on this and try their very best to provide a good learning and
growing environment for their kids.
Going back to my very first and beginning question
(in to topic), was Cho Seung-Hui a brutal killer? If you answer yes, you have
to review yourselves. Ask yourselves that “Am I having same characteristics
like him, which are always blaming others for his mistakes and comparing himself
to other.” So, will we be the next Cho Seung-Hui? Let’s think about this.
Our society is sick. It need medicine to
overcome all its’ illness. I am (we are) looking forward a medicine that will
help this. Do you have any ideas regarding to solving our social ills? Please
kindly sound it out. Our future is in our hand.
Lastly, let us pray and wish for the peacefully
mind of Cho’s family. As they are in trauma and afraid to be attacked by those
who anti Cho’s bloody rampage. Meanwhile, also for the victims and their
families. May the world in peace.
Chong Lee
4.27pm, 24th April 2007
Sources:
1) “Most of the Shadow of Life are caused by
Standing in Our Own Sunshine”, Kathirasen, Prime News, New Sunday Times, 22nd
April 2007, page 19.
2) 《其實你不了解快樂……》，吳凱琳，成長，新洲日報活力副刊，2007年4月23日，2與3面。(“You
are Unhappy, in Fact…” , KaiLin Wu (translated), Sin Chew Plus, 23rd
April 2007, pages 2 and 3)
3) Sin Chew Jit Poh (international news), 19th,
20th , 21st of April 2007.
4) Yahoo!’s pictures search. (www.yahoo.com)
考試 * 朋友 * 假期
四月十五號是我大考的最後一天，
試問自己開心嗎？
一題比考試還難回答的問題！
也許已麻痹于考試的我已對考試沒什麽感覺。
試想考試是我多年以來面對最多次的挑戰。
之前（即個學期前）我曾經不把考試當成一回事。
都以得過且過的心態去面對。
縂認爲在最後一分鐘打拼沒意義。
絕不會“強逼自己”，要自己讀書到深夜。
用盡各種、無數的藉口。
相信考試前一天要多休息，不能擠太多“料”進腦。
要自己早些休息，雖然都讀不完。
告述並吹眠自己，不能擠了、讀不進了、隨便吧、過關就好。
但，這一次真的不一樣。
我在這次的考試可是放了很大的功夫。
還值得安慰、慶幸。
考試前，即文書周(Study week)時，努力的溫書。
不回家，呆在大學（圖書館）溫書。
跟一幫死黨文書。
悶了就閒聊。餓了就一起去吃飯。真是愉快。
偶爾會反問自己，爲什麽不在早前文書？要在最後關頭才假勤勞？
其實，我也不想。
整個學期都忙東忙西。
先是有數不盡的功課。
都是教育係的重量級功課。
有時還很羡慕不是教育係的朋友，不必交大型功課。
就拿我物理係的室友來做比較就好。
他幾乎不必做功課。
睡、吃、喝、玩、樂(看啊你嚒-anime)。
可是後來想想，這根本不是我要的生活。
我覺得大學生活應該是多姿多彩的。
（后記：他後來即跟我表示後悔，爲何當初沒參加一些能為自己添值、並能留下回憶的活動）
偶爾做作功課，偶爾參加自己喜歡的活動，還好。
做功課是必然的！但我希望不會太多。
可是，在以一位好友比較，我們就真的差得天以地。
除了忙功課與活動外，她幾乎每天都去叫補習。
功課上還侹兼優的。
會蠻崇拜她，他就像女超人（superlady）。
而我就只是忙些參加的活動。
有紅新月會（每個星期六、從八點早上到下午兩三點，還要‘為民服務’— 去某些地方當急救者—first aider）、
慈青活動（這還好，因爲自己還喜歡它的活動，都覺得有意義——資源回收、環保、做義賣餅乾、新年團拜……）、
當華文班老師（初級、義務）、
佛學班（偶爾會參加他們的活動、後來都以忙為藉口都沒去了，真是可惜）、
攝影學會的活動（喜歡極了，很喜歡攝影 — 希望有一天能拿自己的相機四處拍下自己喜歡的照片、多麽自由自在啊）等。
參加太多活動，有時真的覺得好累。
累了，就懶得念書了。
參加活動的卻是好事，可是不能荒廢學業。
因爲我是學生。用的錢始終是父母辛苦賺錢讓我來念書！
（我有念書，就只是時間少了許多，沒時間，我沒時間……藉口？）
在這一次考試的前後，我都很滿意自己所放下的功夫。
什麽樣的功夫？
哈，真可笑。
我的功夫就只不過是不放過最後一分鐘的時間。
這個招“功夫”是我之前不用的，因為我不避自己在最後關頭念書、努力。
因爲我幒抱一種最後關頭念書是無效的心態。
最後，這種心態被證實是錯的。
只要不給自己壓力，在最後關頭下苦功，往往是轉機！
先有，跟佩玲一起在圖書館溫書。
偶爾，源坤會一起來讀。
他較喜歡獨自在房溫書。
他說醬又有私人空間，要聼歌就聼歌、要做什麽就做什麽。
對我來說，有朋友一起念書好過一個人在房發酶、讀傻去。
但是一起讀書的對象要是對的！
在我要考PGT202E的前一天，我用了digi
的Fu-Yoh 配套來撥電給佩玲。
她建議我用這廉價的方式來撥電給他，因爲他要幫我復習一大堆我還沒復習的課。
她之前就已經拿過這科。
所以，她希望可以幫到我。
我當然很開心，因爲有一位醬好的朋友願意幫我。
而且，那時是半月約一兩點。
我真的感激萬分。
當晚，還發生了一件“怪”事，也就是無端端納警鈴響起。
那時的我，有點氣也有點擔心。
氣那神經病的住宿管理層在這種時間（約半夜三點）來個神經病的火警練習。
真是有點“走火”。
（新形容詞，指不正常或神經病，是佩玲以她妹妹，佩蓉教的。然後，次詞被翻譯為 – run of fire,真是創意不過了）!
另一方面，又有點擔心。
擔心這是來真的，因爲住宿管理層不可能在這種時間（考試周）來火警練習。
不下去指定地方聚合，不懂會不會被燒死？
過後，我還是採取了聰明又明智的行動 – 撥電去治安侷（Jabatan Keselamatan） 問個清楚。
最後才知道，這鈴聲不是火警練習。
這我才安心的見周公去……
隔天，我竟然犯了一個考生（考一科需要計算科目的考生）不該犯的錯 – 沒帶計算機！
這就好比一個想去嫖妓又沒帶安全套去雞店的男人一樣的命運。
或用較文化（有教養）的話 – 就好比一個要上戰場又忘了帶武器的士兵一樣倒酶！
那個時候得我，有如熱渦上的螞蟻、擔心死了。
之後想起了我的好友，他就住在考場附近的宿舍。（就不替他的名，以避免他成爲千古罪人）。
我就馬上撥電話給他……
他沒接……
我就只好硬者頭皮進了考場。
還好，我的教授是個好人，他沒罵我，就連忙幫我到處去跟其他考生借計算機。
真是感動死了！
就可惜，我已多年沒用非科式的計算機（Non-Scientific calculator），所以在最後，讓幾題問題空者……
我想，這可要拿好成績真難！！！
我不怪任何人，只怪自己！
再來，我有幾天呆在永祥的房間打拼。
有一晚是讀到半月三點才甘願停工，回房休息。
就在考量子力学（Quantum Mechanics）前一天。
那天/那晚是我最拼的了！
從早上念書到零晨三點。
永祥是我在這學期剛熟悉的朋友。
他很爽快。
每天都會聽到他無裏頭的笑。
就算不是很好笑的事，都能讓他笑個大半天。
這一種朋友最爽快不過了。
不必擔心會得罪他，不必想盡辦法讓他開心。
哦，說到醬爽快的朋友，肯定不能少了健穎（我喜歡叫他“堅硬”）。
他的動作大又多。
又會搞笑。
他跟源坤和拼起來就好像孖生兄弟。
兩個都超喜歡周董。
沒有周董的歌也許他們活不下去。
而且兩個都有數不盡的招牌口頭談。
先有源坤的“拜托”（需念成“拜拖”，那拖字需拉長）
在來是有健穎的“麽洗啊”（廣東話 — 什麽事啊？）
這兩句話已是足于打偏天下。
雙劍合拼，不打偏天下才怪！拜拖！
總算考完試了。
不必煩惱太多了。
考完了，就讓他去吧。
不能想太多，不然會過意不去、睡不着覺。
考完試的之後幾天都看到好友們忙得團團轉、讀書就讀到快瘋掉似的。
讀不完的心情，真是讓我為他們感到不好過。
還會怪自己沒什麽能幫得上的。
真的，我會這樣。
所以，在那幾天，我都去圖書館，陪他們。
怎樣呢？
跟他們一起念書嗎？
哦，我絕不醬瘋狂。
我就在圖書館裏上網 —— 看網上報紙、評論、找一些旅遊的資料、查看伊妹兒（emails）。
能幫上什麽就幫什麽。
給他們打打氣，甚至還三八到用“摸必”（mobik.com）來寄一些打氣短訊，免費又適用。
考完試后的我，真是得空死了。
直到了寫下這篇部落格。
一篇記載關於我的考試與朋友的部落格。
考完試也一味著假期到來咯。
之前，我非常期待招假期到來。
現在卻有點不想假期了……
幹嘛我變得醬快啦？
原因無它，就是不捨得又要跟這群死黨分開咯！
很不捨得！
就只好催眠自己說“分開是遲早的事”，“假期很快過的，很快就可以再見面，‘拜拖’！”。
再説，我們將會在假期的最後一個星期從逢。
就在関丹，健穎的傢。
並計劃一起去……
還是不說較好，因為老人家說“諾想/講太多還沒實行的計劃，計劃就會泡湯。”
不知是真還是假？半信半疑。
希望這假期是有意義的。
不是隨便的過！不是白白浪費這個假期！
而是希望有個充實又意義深厚的假期！
希望、盼望、渴望……
（后記：希望朋友們和我都可以得到理想的成績，並可以有臉回家見嗲娘）
忠利
2am, 17/04/2007
